Yesterday
by Kiera Matthews
Summary: Complete Chapter Six up Told in first person. One girl chronices her relationship with Jeff and how it all fell apart (better then it sounds, I promise!)
1. Default Chapter

This is based on what really happened to me not so long ago. Everything  
really happened. This is really personal to me so reviews are greatly  
appricaited. Enjoy-Kiera  
  
Yesterday  
  
Chapter One Why he had to go, I don't know He wouldn't say I sense, somethings wrong Now I long, for yesterday  
  
Call me crazy, but I've always had sort of a sixth sense about things, mostly with Claire and other times, mostly when things where all about to go horribly wrong. It wasn't much help when I needed it, then on New Years Eve. But my story doesn't begin, or even end of the cold , wet streets, although sometimes I find myself wishing I'd never gone back. It is, however, as good a place as any to start. I had left the house after Jeff had only given me a quick kiss when it turned midnight before rushing back to Claire. I had reasoned if I kept turning right I'd eventually walk in a circle and know where I was. But it had been half an hour, my hands had frozen into fists, I was soaked right through and so cold I would suffer from shivers for four days. I was scared, but I couldn't run as the attempt of snow had resulted in sludge and my boots had no grip. Of course I remember everything about that walk. That I wore my black and white top, my new black mini skirt and beige jacket. How I cried so hard and loud it echoed off the houses. How I fell more then once. That sixth sense had given me a feeling like lead in the pit of my stomach and I wasn't sure wheter my nausea was due to the images of Jeff and Claire, or the one too many beers. My hands where a bright pink, I could no longer feel them but I knew that my white gold engagment ring dug into me. Eventually I got a lift from a cab driver, I could see them all waiting for my through the glass in the front door. Their questions came in a jumble and I just barked:  
  
"I'm fine!" before running to the bathroom to change.  
  
They where waiting for me when I emerged, Jeff and Claire.  
  
"Why did you run out like that?" he asked.  
  
"To see the fireworks." I replied, not caring how much it sounded like the lie it was.  
  
"I'm suppose to be your best friend and you never tell me anything!" Claire randomly shouted before storming into the living room with Jeff following, like a lap dog.  
  
I went into the kitchen and once again, quiet unwillingly, burst into tears. I didn't even know someone had saw me until I felt Jeff's arms around me.  
  
"What's wrong?" he asked. "I've been looking for you for half an hour. I was worried sick. You could of been raped or murdered."  
  
"But I wasn't."  
  
Later, in the times it got so bad I wished I was dead, I wished I had been, as bad as it sounds. I wish something would of happened that would of changed his mind.  
  
"She's trying to take you away from me." I sobbed. "She likes you, she told Chris."  
  
It sounded childish and it sounded pathetic, but I knew Claire.  
  
"It doesn't matter. I love you."  
  
That stuck in my mind, I'd heard him say it so many times and I loved it everytime he did. But that time, I remembered and later it haunted me. But that's not for now. ~*~*~*~  
  
My name is Brody Keller. Jeff would remark how I was beautiful, I never believed him. How great it was to be able to tell his friends that his girlfriend was 'a size 10 with blonde hair and blue eyes'. I have five scars, six afterwards, each with an equally idiotic story attached as how I revieced them. I had known Claire for almost three years and I would love to have say she stuck by me through thick and thin, but Claire spectacually abandoned me during a brief stint of depression before I got my job. Claire sung in a rock band, they had been signed and where just penning their first single. Neverless, Claire was like my sister, I would of given my life for her. No matter how far apart we drifted I truly believed we'd make it up. Jeff, well, I can say that I loved him almost straight away. We'd only been together two weeks when he told me. He told Matt first and then me, later over the phone. He dropped it in half way through a sentance and I hadn't been completely sure I'd heard him. He made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world. Despite all the cliches I swore I'd never ahear to, I'd never felt like that with anyone. The way he'd put his arms around me or just suddenly kiss me, I loved him. Claire didn't like him at first, she thought his jokey comments crossed the line and she once remarked Jeff made her feel 'like shit'. I just wanted them to get along. But once again, there's more to my story, starting with a night I'll never forget, but also never remember. 


	2. Tomorrow

** A/N: Thank you so much to Little Lonely One and xtremlybold for reviewing. Because this is such a personal thing it means so much that you reviwed. Please feel free to do so again. Alys, I've tried to e-mail you and it got sent back!-Kiera**  
  
That night now only exsists as fragments in my mind that I sometimes revisit just because. I got drunk. Up until that point I wasn't a big drinker and had been drunk exactly once before. I was downing them pretty quickly and later one of my most vivid memories was sitting against the wall, smoking my first cigarette with Jeff trying desperatly to keep me sitting upright. The theme of the party was red and black and I was appropriatly dressed in a black shirt and my red mini skirt which I was desperatly in love with. Jeff took me back to his at ten, by this time I couldn't stand straight and I collapsed into his arms several times as we made our way down the street. It was raining. I remember feeling the rain on my face and trying to keep my head dry while linking arms with Jeff. I remember giggling mentally, for no reason and reailsing just how empty the streets where. My mind blacks out there and the next thing I remember is lying in his bed, the light was still on and I was in my underwear, the walls where spinning and Jeff was lying next to me. I remember him telling me he was going to take his shirt off, and me wondering why he'd only undone it. From then on, I don't remember anything. Not a single word or a single thing we did. You can imagine what happened I suppose. Jeff had to tell me the next day and he apologised to me, saying he'd taken advantage. I almost cried, I felt disgusted with myself in a way, and then, here's the really stupid part, I worried what Claire would think of me. Claire always seemed to have such high moral standards about this kind of thing and I was worried sick that she would think I was some kind of whore. See, that was how our friendship had worked and I never saw a problem with it until it was over. Claire was always in charge, everything we did she had to approve of first. God forbid if Claire Henry was unhappy, she'd take it out on me. There where always one set of rules for her, and another for me. Claire could ignore me, tease me, go out with other friends and not invite me. If I did there would be world war three. As you can imagine it wasn't a healthy friendship. Still, she had good points, lots of good points. No one shared my sense of humour, we could make up whole life stories for people just by hearing their name. We'd stay up all night and play 'The Sims', while shouting things like "die, bitch, die" as we killed a character for their money. It's hard to really pin point where it all started to fall apart. I'd say summer, when things got tough and she couldn't handle it. I still always truthfull believed we'd work it out. I'm an idiot.  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
It was the end of November, November 28th to be exact. Me and Jeff went Christmas shopping. We bought each other's present's last. I ended up waiting half an hour for him by the giant Christmas tree, anxiously tapping my foot and getting increasingly worried a gang of kids where going to steal my bags. I kept checking my watch and was beginning to think he wasn't coming back when he appeared through the horeds of people who'd all had the same idea.  
  
"Sorry," he apologised. "The women behind the counter told me they'd sold what I wanted and I had to pick something else, then she found it and....you know."  
  
"What is it?" I asked, knowing he wasn't going to tell me, but not caring.  
  
He didn't tell me, but I didn't have to wait long. I twisted his arm back at his house, promising I'd give him is present if I could have mine. When he handed me a tiny blue box my heart started hammering against my ribs. The ring was white gold with two diamonds in the centre. Jeff took it off me, amoungst the mess on the floor of his bedroom he got down on one knee and proposed.He told me he'd never felt this way with anyone, that he loved me and he wanted me to marry me. I almost cried, I obviously said yes. We had it all planned out within a few days, mostly over text messages in which he told me he couldn't wait to be my husband and I had to hide from Claire. We hadn't been together long, but I didn't care. Nothing else mattered. I loved him, I was going to be his wife. Two weeks, Two weeks today and it would of all happened. But now I can see I'm starting to bore you and you've got the details you need. I loved Jeff, we where engaged and Claire, although we were close, treated me like crap. So let's move forewards, back to new year's eve. 


	3. It's a damn cold night

**A/N: thank you once again to xtremlybold for reviewing, it really does mean a lot that you did. If you have any questions or anything, post in a review and I'll reply at the bottom of the next chapter. Enjoy-Kiera**  
  
So, I've dragged you into my life, taken you briefly through the happiest three months of my life and we've ended up here. Yes, as you read this in a way you're with me. You've been here before, but spare a thought for me. I visit this place every single day. I need to set the scene more appropraitly. I had spent two hours in Adam's kitchen, talking to Chris, mostly about Jeff and how he'd spent all night with Claire. I explained how I felt I wasn't good enough for him but Chris reassured me that Jeff loved me, everyone could see it. Midnight came, we crowded into the front room to welcome in 2004 as a group of friends. Jeff kissed me, briefly and whispered  
  
"Happy New year baby."  
  
Then he was gone, back to Claire. I sank onto the sofa, suddenly feeling numb and Adam's friend Daniel had given me a glass of champagne. I immediatly slammed it down on the speaker next to me, got to me feet and informed Adam I was going for a walk. Believe me, it was bitterly cold and I started crying straight away. Daniel ran after me and I told him I needed the fresh air. The rain soaked me within minutes, my hair clumped together in what I called 'rat's tails' and drops of water dripped off my nose and random intervals. I kept telling myself I'd go around just one more corner and I'd feel better. The god's honest truth, Avril Lavigne was wailing in my head.  
  
I'm standing on a bridge I'm waiting in the dark I thought that's you'd be here by now. There's nothing but the rain No footsteps on the ground I'm listening but there's no sound  
  
I know I'm not the only person in the world to have ever gone through that horrible feeling. The one that feels like you're standing at the edge of the cliff and you close you're eyes. You know the push is coming, you can feel it. You'd do anything to stop it, but you know soon you're going to start falling, that'll there'll be nothing but air, no one to catch you. I knew, as I wandered frozen, lonely and scared that Freddy Kruger was going to jump out and hack me into tiny Brody shaped pieces, I knew it was over. It still didn't in any way prepare me for it, for the push. Nothing in this world could of prepared me for how hard i was going to crash,and who'd be there to help me pick up the pieces. I eventually found my way back, heard the last 'I love you' and tried to fool myself the it would all work out as I shivered uncontrollably and tried to coax the feeling back into my fingers.  
  
Now here comes the hard part. Jeff ended it the Sunday after. He told me he didn't love me, and despite what he tells everyone, he told me there was no one else. I believe his exact words where "I'm too fucked up to be with anyone." He still wanted to be best friends, I told him not to say it if he didn't mean it, but no, he meant it. We'd been too close to throw it all away. He was still attracted to me, I was still gogeous. He proved this by kissing me several times during the night, and later by taking me upstairs. I don't know why I did it, probably because we'd broken up an hour ago and I was stupidly not ready to let go.  
  
"I don't want you to think it means anything." Jeff said later as he had his arms around me.  
  
"I don't." I whispered. "If I did I would of stopped crying, right?" I asked with a little laugh.  
  
Everything seems so bright when I think of that night. The colours in his room seemed extra vivid like something from a bad trip, and Box Car Racer blared at us. Fittingly 'I feel so', played and as I lay there, my tears soaking into his sheets, the words seemed right. I felt cheated, used and so very low. He loved me on Wednesday, what had I done that was so bad it made him either, reailse he never loved me, or worse, made him fall out of love with me. I still loved him, I was still so desperatly in love with him. We where still going to be friends, and I needed all the friends I could get.  
  
Even now, sitting at my desk almost three months later and typing the words, my eyes are filling up. I was with Adam and Danika, two people I had over looked and now can't imagine life without them. I saw Jeff and Claire together first. She was smiling, he had his arm around her. He saw me and it was at that exact moment I felt my heart break. Really, I couldn't breath, it was like a scene out of a movie I wished I was watching, not playing the lead. I felt physical pain. Jeff mouthed "Damn." that's all he could say. Damn. We'd broken up yesterday and here he was with somone who was like family. Damn. That was all I was worth. I took off in the opposite direction. I stopped when I got out the other side of the shopping centre and just stood there, I didn't know what to do. I called Adam and told him where I was. Him and Danika where there in seconds. They didn't say anything. Adam just wrapped his arms around me, I buried my face deep into his leather jacket and howled. These three key moments make up the main part of my memory montage. It replays over and over in my mind every single night. I can't escape it. I pray things had been different somehow. That I had punched Jeff and Claire. That I hadn't come back from the wet streets. I wish I'd ran away, disappeared and gone somewhere else. The thing that bugged me the most was I'd dreamed this. Seriously. I'd had dreams where Jeff and Claire got together and I had to watch. I didn't eat for a week. Me, Brody Keller, had screeched to an unexpected halt on the road of life and driven right into a tree. As you can imagine, it goes on. 


	4. I think I'd better leave right now

I was going to leave my job. My reasoning was that I could wrestle anywhere else in the country, Jeff had been the only thing keeping me where I was and now he was gone I had no other reason to stay. Sad, I know. Danika was sitting with me about a week later, talking, by the time Jeff and Claire had reached two months she'd heard me talk about it so many times I'm surprised she didn't kill me.  
  
"I did something." I told her. "I just know I did. I mean, he broke up with me twice in two weeks. What did I do that was so bad?"  
  
That was the thing. The week of Christmas, Jeff broke up with me and I'd been mature, told him I understood and rushed straight to Claire, who in her defence, was an excellent shoulder to cry on. We got back together the next day but when I saw him on the Friday it was arkward. I didn't want to get too attached just so he could hurt me again. But he did. I dont know why. Why did he make me happy just to crush me all over again. Must of been my mistake.  
  
//I'm here, just like I said Though it's breaking every rule I ever made My racing heart, is just the same Why make it strong to break it once again//  
  
"The only mistake you ever made Brody, was falling in love with him, and you couldn't help that. The mistake Jeff made was letting you go."  
  
"I wish he would wake up tomorrow morning and just be my Jeff again. But...."  
  
"That's not going to happen." She finished for me. "Your Jeff, and what you had together is gone. You're never going to get him back."  
  
The truth hurt. It always did. I cried, and Danika comforted me yet again. Jeff had changed. He was down right nasty to me, so much for being friends. Weeks later, when we where arguing, he asked me did I honestly believe everything would be the same. I never said it would be. The first time I saw them together I got drunk, I knew what trouble getting drunk usually got me into, but I didn't care. I drank and drank telling myself one more drink would ease the pain of seeing them together. One more drink would block out their happiness and their whispered words. It didn't. I ended up in a terrible state, showed Jeff the deep slash on my wrist and collapsed in the toilets for twenty minutes. Later that night, after a cold shower to sober myself up, he was talking to me online. For a few weeks after the first time I saw them together his online conversations with me consisted of calling me an alchohlic and making me feel bad. Of course, Jeff didn't care when I was buying him drinks and on my second day back at work he followed me up to the dark. I had already had a considerable amount and my only explination for what he said next was that he was slightly tipsy.  
  
"I'm glad we're still friends Brody." he said.  
  
I rolled my eyes. I wanted to be friends with him, I really did. Jesus christ, I still loved him, but we weren't. Just hours before he'd made a sarcastic comment about how I had a bad life and everyone should feel sorry for me.  
  
"Decide how to treat me." I told him. "You can act friendly, or like the bastard you where before."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Why did you say that?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
I gave the bartender my order.  
  
"It doesn't matter. Hopefully I won't be here for long anyway."  
  
"Don't leave."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't leave Brody. Please, if you ever loved me...."  
  
"You can't use that!" I defended loudly.  
  
"Fine, if you've ever respected me, don't leave."  
  
Funny, it was the third time in a week he'd asked me not to leave, and it happened a few times later. It ended up with him calling me stupid and childish, and telling me to get on with my life. It was easy for him. He'd dumped me and had someone else to go to. What did I have? Nothing. they took that away from me and all that was left for me to do, was leave.  
  
//I think I'd better leave right now Before I fall any deeper I think I'd better leave righ now Feeling weaker and weaker Somebody better show me out Before I fall any deeper I think I'd better leave right now.//  
  
I couldn't, and still can't decied which is worse. Jeff's betrayal, or Claire's. The betrayal that comes with love, or that of a four year friendship that had all fallen spectacually apart when all you wanted, was someone to love and a friend you could count on. Maybe that's just too much to ask. 


	5. THe Trouble With Love

Yesterday I should of been married. It's an almost laughable consept. Me walking down the ailse in a white dress, happy. I can't imagine it. I often wonder what it would of been liked if we'd stayed together, if we'd never gone to Adam's party, but I can't imagine it. It's safe to say I'm not the same person I was three and a half months ago. I did the usual 'post break up' things. Blew money on new clothes, hacked away my hair and dyed it the most vivid red I could find in a bottle. I took up smoking and spent most of my spare time staring down the neck of a bottle, as if all the alcohol could wash away all the hurt I was feeling. To be honest, I don't like the person it's turning me into. It seemed neither did most other people. People like Jeff who had told myself and others how I was rapidly becoming an alcoholic. He didn't agree with me wanting to leave and he made his perfectly cear during an argument we had. We where standing in the halls of the arena and it started out as a discussion on why Chris thought I was a bitch. It dissolved and became about us. Jeff was the first to lose his temper with me.  
  
"Why are you leaving?" he deamnded angrily. "Why did you try and kill yourself? For attention, or sympathy?"  
  
"You think I wany sympathy for not being good enough for you?" I shot back. "You think I want people to know you found a better model? No, I don't."  
  
"Then why are you leaving?"  
  
And it came to the crunch. It boiled down to the truth, I didn't have to keep it to myself. "Because I don't have a reason to stay!" I roared. "I don't have anyone who loves me and I don't have a best friend anymore. Jesus christ Jeff! I'm sick of watching everything slip through my fingers and not being able to stop it."  
  
He softened slightly. "What do you mean?"  
  
I sighed and shook my head, wishing I hadn't started this conversation. "You wouldn't understand."  
  
"I'm trying!" he shouted and I wondered why he was getting so angry with me. His life was perfect, what had he lost? I could say me, but Jeff hadn't so much lost me as threw me aside. "But you're being defensive!"  
  
"What the hell do you expect? You didn't even consider me in your master plan to get with Claire?"  
  
"I wanted to be with her Brody! I liked her more then you!"  
  
That gave me a stab of cold pain in the heart, my eyes filled up and I looked away from him.  
  
"Do you think that you're going to make everything better by drinking yourself to death and becoming an alcoholic?"  
  
"That's my life! Not your's Jeff!" I reminded him. "And I'm you're not part of my life anymore1 Remember!"  
  
Funnily enough, he never mentioned it again.  
  
Claire apologised to everyone, except me. At first I was STILL willing to rebuild our friendship. But Claire wasn't. She thought she was right. Claire even went as far to argue with me when I gave Chris all the pictures of us and the letter's she'd written me. I would of burnt them and I knew one day I want to look back on what we had.  
  
"You threw four years of friendship in my face!" Claire screamed."You threw it all away! After all the times I was there for you!"  
  
I laughed. I couldn't help it. If I didn't laugh I was going to kill her and I knew there was no way I would get away with first degree murder with so many witnesses.  
  
"When where you there for me? I"ve needed you so badly over the last six months and I couldn't find you!"  
  
"Because you went off with Jeff!"  
  
"So you had to do the same?" I demanded so loud that people around us stopped to stare.  
  
"I love him!"  
  
"You don't know what love is!"  
  
"Oh, and you do?"  
  
"You never gave me the chance to find out!"  
  
That wasn't true. But it sounded good. I walked away then, with Claire shouting after me I had to because I had a guilty consious. What did I have to be so guilty about? What had I done? Was Claire the one with a broken heart? Didn't think so. 


	6. Do I still long for yesterday?

I think maybe it's my imagination, or maybe part of me still doesn't want to let go, but sometimes he looks at me. A couple of times he's looked me right in the eyes, the way he use to and my heart has skipped a couple of beats. I'm haunted. Not as much by the end of it anymore, but by the good times we had. I would be the fisrt person signing up to have my memories erased like in Jim Carrey's new movie. They hurt the most now because it's not there anymore. One day I'll be happy I've got them, I think. I'll be the first person to admit that a part of me still loves Jeff, a part of me always will. He was my first love and that never goes away. I wouldn't take him back thought, I couldn't. Even though I know it won't happen, I've day dreamed a hundred times that he'll send me an e-mail of an instant message saying it was a mistake, that he never loved Claire and I made him happy. Danika and Adam wouldn't let me, I wouldn't let myself. I don't think I, or anyone else could stand to see poor old Brody fall apart all over again. Adam told me the other day that I'm a better person now and not with Jeff, that the best thing that I ever did was to leave him. Don't worry, I was quick to remind him that I never left Jeff, other way around. I'm not ashamed to admit it. People still find it hard to believe when they ask me what happened with my ex or why I'm currently single. Danika always says that she couldn't even look at them and friend's of friend's already hate them without ever meeting them. The excuse that they love each other doesn't seem to fly. To everyone else it doesn't matter. They where in the wrong and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so.  
  
So, there you've go. You've done it. Congratulations. You've walked a mile in my beaten shoes. You where in my sneakers when Claire shunned me for a drunken night I didn't regrett. You where in my knee high's as I walked the cold streets. You where by my side trying to be strong when Jeff ended it, you gave up when he did it again. You ran with me as I fled through a shopping centre, minds reeling. You've knocked back every drink I did. Most importantly though, you've felt my heart break. I've shown you what it was like to feel , and long for it to get better. That's all I wanted to do, this was the point of it all, the point of Brody Keller's story, to show you. Just to let you know. Now I've done that, I guess I should try move on. People know. My story has been spread. Their betrayal isn't confined and I don't have to feel bad about anything, right? I didn't handle it well, you know that now. It could of been worse. Without Adam or Danika, the shard of mug I used to draw my blood would of drawn more. I thank them. I thank you. My name is still Brody keller. I'm still 5ft 7, a little less then a size 10. I still have blue eyes, vivid red hair. But the most important change is this, even though I still long for Yesterday, I would relive it, not even for Jeff.  
  
A/N: There you go. Finished. Compleate. Over. Thank you to Lonely Alys and xtremelybold who reviewed all the way through.Thank you for your support. Go on, spoil me, give me one last review-Kiera 


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